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The Boston Market Story

Numismatologist escapes tsunami by standing on mountain of allegedly expired coupons

BC -- Entire cast of Survivor Phuket Island goes missing when tsunami strikes. CBS books Sumatra for next season's show.

By TERENCE "KEN" HUNT

AP Sri Lanka Correspondent

    HACKENSWAMIPALENSAK, SRI LANKA (Moombai Joombai) -- Edwin P. Reiter, a renowned numismatologist and president of Headline Writers Without Borders Although Curlicues Are Okay, was miraculously saved from a tsunami that sent giant waves crashing through the Boston Market parking lot in Hackenswamipalensak today. Reiter, who was arguing with the manager of the restaurant when the tsunami struck, managed to stand on a large pile of expired coupons good for two dollars off a rotisserie water buffalo dinner with two side dishes. He was almost killed all over again when the rotisserie oven collapsed under the weight of several rotating water buffaloes being prepared for Reiter's hungry colleagues at the Record of Northern Tamu Nidal Province and set the pile of expired coupons on fire. A second tsunami arrived just in time, however, and doused the flames.

    Ironically, Reiter and restaurant manager Renatawhosyourmama (who, like most Sri Lankans, uses only one name because trying to remember two Sri Lankan names would be tougher than memorizing all the stops on the Welsh railway system), who were known to argue frequently over coupon malfunctions, were stranded atop the pile of expired coupons together for several hours while a number of hungry copy editors were caught up in the tidal wave and deposited in a nearby Mexican restaurant. Several grief counselors who were consoling tsunami survivors had to be diverted to pull the renowned numismatologist and the store manager (you thought we were going to try and spell Renatawhosyourmama again?) apart. It was unclear whether they were engaged in a furious argument or they were simply engaged.

    The tsunami is believed to have been caused by an earthquake off the island of Sumatra in the Indian Ocean thousands of miles away. However, seismatologists at Bergen Community College said the needle went off the Richter scale at a nearby cemetery about the same time as the Record of Northern Bergen and Southern Passaic Counties in New Jersey introduced a new stylebook and tossed the old one into the Hackenswamapalensak River.

    Meanwhile, a search was under way for dozens of copy editors from the Record of Northern Bergen and Southern etc. who disappeared under the gigantic waves. The employees were attempting to retrieve serial commas that were floundering about on the bottom of the river, which had completely receded, and were heatedly debating whether the serial commas were floundering or foundering, when a wall of water came careering toward them. As the copy editors debated whether the wall of water was careering or careening, the tsunami washed them all out to sea, where they were found clinging to a NY Waterway ferry that had run out of gas because its owners were bankrupt.

    Later, the World War II era submarine USS Linguini picked up several Hackenswamipalensak officials clinging to the statue of Justice atop the Hackenswamipalen...oh, what the heck, the local, courthouse. When honored with a key to the city by Mayor Charles "Ken" Zisa, Linguini skipper Gabriel Voorhis said, "Oh, it was nothing, Sir. I was just looking for that darned numismatologist with my lunch."

AP-ES-01-02-05 1610EST

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Chickie says, Why did the tsunami cross the ocean*

*Answer: To get to the other tide