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The Boston Market Story

Noted chef suffers chronic wasting disease, says that's the last time he has BAMbi for lunch

BC -- Thousands of deer flee Sussex County fearing future as venison chili

By TERENCE "BEAR" HUNT

The Sussex County Feral

    MONTAGUE TOWNSHIP, Sussex County -- Dozens of hungry copy editors at the Bergen Record of Northern New Jersey and Environs Media Group were being tested for chronic basting disease yesterday after one of their colleagues, William "Ken" Pitcher, was hired by the Sussex County Eggshell-Dispatch, taking their Thanksgiving dinners with him.

    Record President Jon "Ken" Markey announced in his weblog that in lieu of the traditional turkey with bear chili stuffing Thanksgiving dinner this year, all employees who worked between the hours of midnight and 12:01 a.m. on Thanksgiving Day would receive a coupon good for two dollars off a rotisserie venison dinner at the Boston Market on River Street in Hackensack.

    Laird P. Coates, a noted blogger himself, responded on kensblog that he was scrapping his plans to come out of retirement on Thanksgiving since there was no longer any likelihood that there would be leftover venison chili in the conference room.

    Meanwhile, Pitcher was making his presence felt at the Eggshell-Dispatch, which reported that several North Jersey ducks recently hired by the Northern New Jersey Environs Media Group because of their knowledge of the Quack Operating System had already been fired. "That's the last time we use a consultant from Boston," Record Vice President Vivian "Renata" Waixel said.

     "I may be gone, but I'm not forgotten," Pitcher noted on the weblog. Although the signature was "Kenonymous," there was little doubt about who the writer was when he added that he was leaving his colleagues his famous recipe for venison chile, which follows:

Yield: 25 servings

1 deer, antlers removed

6 cans kidney beans

6 cans tomato sauce or two bottles ketchup

3 cans tomato paste

3 large onions, accompanied by two handkerchiefs

1/4 lbs You'd Better Believe It's Not Butter

1 button mushroom

6 garlic wedges

1 ten dollar bill

14 tbsp red pepper

6 Jalapeno peppers - diced

2 jars Dave's Insanity Hot Sauce

Remove kidney beans from cans and slice each bean in half. Pour beans into large pot. Wash the deer and add it to the pot. Be sure to remove any bullets. Add tomato sauce and tomato paste. Cut onions into paper thin slices and run them through the shredder in the newsroom of the Bergen Record of North Jersey and Environs Media Group (make sure there is no paper already in the basket). Pour shredded onions into the pot. Add button mushroom. Pour in both jars of Dave's Insanity Hot Sauce. Shred waiver of immunity from prosecution signed before purchasing Dave's Hot Sauce. Make sure there are no onions left in shredder basket. Take ten dollar bill and create sign offering it as reward to the hungry copy editor who finds the button mushroom in his venison chili. If button mushroom is not found, reward defaults to first person to find a bullet in his chili. Place pot on stove in Pat Mack's test kitchen. Cook over low flame until tomato paste explodes onto ceiling. Leave Pat Mack nice thank-you note. Pour remainder of Dave's Insanity Hot Sauce over ingredients in Pat Mack's refrigerator. Serve while hot.

AP-ES-05-20-05 1610EST

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Chickie says, Why did the deer cross the county line?*

*Answer: Because it was getting kind of chili in Sussex.