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The Boston Market Story

Ed the Numismatologist restructures campaign landscape

    By BURT S. BEESLINE

    GNOME, Alaska -- The third and final presidential debate took a nasty turn Wednesday when Republican hopeful John McKen accused Barack Obama of planning to implement a head tax on newspapers, which would empty the pockets of award winning headline writers like Ed the Numismatologist, who last week asked Obama at a campaign rally if he would tax Sacagawea dollars at a higher rate than Alaska quarters.

    "My friends," McKen said, "my friend Ed the Numismatologist, like cornhuskers everywhere, can't afford to have Obama spread his wealth around like Parkay on a bagel, my friends."

    "I think you mean coin collectors, not cornhuskers," Obama countered.

     "Is you being condensing?" McKen shot back. "You aahhr, I think you aahhr."

     Realizing that things were quickly getting out of hand, debate moderator Jason Q. Levin quickly changed the subject.

     "This question is for Senator McKen," Levin interrupted. "As you know, this morning's editions of the Gnome Depot-Provera contained a front page editorial condemning the Ketchikan Boston Market for its recent promotion offering two dollars off on the purchase of a rotisserie blubber dinner. Is it your opinion that the harvesting of whales should be banned."

     "My friend," McKen said, "I think everybody knows that whales was our great ally in World War II, that it was the birthplace of Princess Diana, and that banning it would only encourage our enemies."

     "I think Mister Levin meant whales, as in Moby Dick, and not the country of Wales," Obama pointed out.

     "My friend, I read Moby Dick in high school and thought it was a wonderful book," McKen said. "Take the sperm whale, for instance. Harvesting sperm whales would not only reduce our dependence on foreign oil, but would provide hope for thousands of infertile couples. That's a win-win situation, my friend."

     Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah "Renata" Palin, meanwhile, addressing an audience of seal hunters in Puget Sound, stirred things up even more by accusing Obama of "palling around with numismoterrorists," after an article about Ed the Numismatologist, who lives in Glenritt, N.J., appeared in the Herald Record News of Northern New Jersey and Its Surrounding Environs noting that several years ago Obama attended a wedding in the same catering hall as the Herald Record News pun dinner at which Ed the Numismatologist was honored for his award winning headlines.

     Asked what made her think Ed was a numismoterrorist, Palin cited Ed's fondness for Sacagawea, a known Indian, and noted that India is at odds with our ally Pakistan. When a woman in the audience pointed out that Sacagawea was as Native American as Eskimo Pie, Palin summoned security and asked to have Tina Fey removed from the premises.

    "Excuse me, Governor Palin," an aide whispered, "your lunch is here from Tandoori Chef."

    After the debate, McKen called Ed the Numismatologist and asked him to join his campaign.

    "I'll think about it," Ed said. "By the way, do you have any extra coupons for those rotisserie blubber dinners?"

AP-ES-10-29-08 1525EST

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Chickie says, How many pollsters does it take to change a light bulb?*

*Six. One to screw in the bulb with a margin of error of plus or minus five..