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The Boston Market Story

Somali pirates hijack 44 million cups of coffee

    By ROBERT "KEN" KLAPHAPPY

    Staff Writer

    GULF OF ADENOID -- Somali pirates today hijacked an American cargo ship carrying 600,000 metric tons of Tim Horton coffee but were thrown overboard by the crew and were holding the ship's captain hostage while clinging to the side of a humpback whale.

    Details of the escapade were sketchy but the ship's second-in-command was reportedly in contact with relatives in Northern New Jersey via satellite phone, one of the alleged pirates was twittering and the humpback whale was updating its fishbook page every few minutes.

    Meanwhile, several American warships were en route to the scene, along with a pair of battleships from Canada, a vintage World War II era submarine, several tourist dinghies, three Japanese whaling ships and a schooner from Greenpeace.

    "Out here, where the sun beats down like a giant golden delicious apple in the sky over the Garden of Aden," Herald Record News of Eastern West Woodland Hills senior-moment writer Mike Kenney, embedded on the Canadian frigate H.M.S. Eh, wrote in his blog ...

    "Excuse me," interrupted Tyson Trishkadekaphotomojo, accompanying Kenney, "I think you mean the Gulf of Aden."

    "Garden, Gulf, whatever," blogged Kenney,  "for all their yo ho hos and their bottles of Pedro Domecq, the four Somali pirates holding Maersk Hackensakka skipper Stevie "Ken" Borg are lower on the totem pole of human evolution than a Bergen County politician."

    "Excuse me," interrupted Trishkadekaphotomojo. "Don't you mean bottles of Captain Morgan?"

    "Morgan, uh, I guess so," Kenney said.

    "There's a phone call for you, Mister Kenney," said an H.M.S. Eh crew member.

    "What is it now?" Kenney said.

    "He says he's on the copy desk at the Herald Record of West Somethingorother."

    "Give me the phone," Kenney muttered.

    "Excuse me, Mike," a voice on the other end of the satellite phone said, "but is Domecq cq?"

    "Is Domecq see-what?" Kenney said.

    "C-Q."

    "Yes, it's a clear liquid, slightly brown, but definitely see-through."

     Meanwhile, a daring rescue attempt was thwarted when hero pilot Chesley "Ken" Sullenberger swooped down in a Boeing 727 with a rope ladder dangling from its fuselage but veered away at the last second when one of the pirates released a parrot into the air.

    "Aaack, Marty's!" Sullenberger shouted as he banked into the sunset, fearful of sucking the famed parrot into one of the plane's engines.

    Another rescue attempt failed when half a dozen SEALs surfaced beside the humpback, according to the whale's fishbook page, and the pirates threw a bucket of herring and two beachballs over the side. Soon the SEALs were gorging themselves on herring and balancing the beachballs on their noses.

    "I thought I ordered Navy SEALs," Admiral Robert "Ken" Dixon shouted into his cell phone.

    "That's what I sent you, Barnum & Bailey SEALs," came the garbled reply.

    In West Woodland Hills, N.J., where the 600,000 metric tons of Tim Horton coffee was headed, several hungry copy editors were being treated for caffeine withdrawal. According to official authorities, 600,000 metric tons of coffee has a street value of 44 million cups, enough to keep a copy desk awake through 250 school budget stories.

    Back in the Gulf of Aden, the vintage World War II era submarine USS Linguini surfaced beside the humpback whale, and its captain, Gabriel "Joba" Voorhis, began negotiating with the pirates. In a gesture of good faith, the Linguini sent over five seafood platters from Long John Silver and a quarter-ton of plankton for the whale.

    The pirates were demanding $4 million and a tourist dinghy for the return of Borg, while Voorhis was demanding $3 million to take him back, according to the whale's fishbook page.

    There has been an alarming increase in piracy off the lawless coast of Somalia in recent months, with pirates collecting tens of millions of dollars in ransom, and many of the pirates now living in the exclusive East Hill section of Mogadishu. They drive Hummers, take baths in champagne, have diamond-studded peg legs, tear up their coupons before dining at the Boston Market in Mogadishu Square and own several 42-inch HDTVs.

    As several more warships arrived in the area, the pirates reduced their demands to $3 million and a pair of tickets to the Mets' home opener at Citi Field. The crafty Voorhis countered with an offer of Bernie Madoff's Citi Field seats at half price and asked the head pirate if his men would like some beer while he relayed their demands to his superiors.

    "Ay, Matey," the lead pirate twittered, winking beneath his eye patch.

    Suddenly all four pirates and their captive were in the water as the humpback whale dove for the ocean depths. Sullenberger, now in the cockpit of a Boeing 747, swooped down to wavetop level and plucked Borg from the ocean, while the pirates bobbed up and down in the water. As the crew of the Linguini and Voorhis high-fived one another, the head pirate was seen clutching a bottle of Harpoon Lager.

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Chickie says, Why did Farmer Kevin plant Zucchini of the Caribbean?*

*So he could watch a squash-buckler while he gardened.