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The Boston Market Story

Farmer Kevin Unloads Bumper to Bumper Crop of Zucchini

    By ABDULLAH "FRANK" ABDULLAH

    Special to the New Jersey News

    HACKENSACK -- President Barack Obama today announced that Kevin "Ken" Demoredemerriais, architect of the wildly successful "Squash for Clunkers" program, would be in charge of overhauling the nation's health care system.

    Obama said Demoredemerriais has already created a blueprint for the program, which will be called "Koosh for Grannies." Under the program, anyone over the age of 60 but not yet eligible for Medicare will be given a free Koosh ball, a popular toy known for its therapeutic value in relieving stress, the New Jersey News has learned.

    DeMoredemerriais said the government would save millions of dollars by preventing fraud. For instance, under the new program, anyone claiming to have back pain will be sent to a local New Jersey firm, Lumbar Liquidators, to determine the veracity of their allegations. A large wood chipper in front of the plant is expected to deter frivolous claims, he added.

    DeMoredemerriais previously directed the Northwest Woodland Territories Animal Shelter, where he reduced the inmate population by 80 percent by encouraging pet adoptions by children overseas.

    "I'm especially proud," he told a news conference, "of our program for sending cats and dogs to youth in Asia, and I believe we can replicate that program with the elderly."

    The Koosh for Grannies program, however, is not without its critics. Former vice presidential candidate Sarah "Renata" Palin accused Obama of throwing Granny under the bus.

    "Au contraire," responded DeMoredemerriais. "Thanks to my Squash for Clunkers program" -- in which car buyers received 100 pounds of Farrmer Kevin's zucchini for every gas guzzler they traded in -- "there will be fewer buses to throw Granny under now that thousands more individuals will be commuting to work in their new more fuel-efficient SUVs and trucks. And Granny can thank me even more when my plan to introduce high-speed single occupancy lanes for commuters goes into effect next month.

    "Besides, think of the stress that Koosh for Grannies will relieve on our financial system. So as you can see, it's a win-win situation. Does anybody have any questions?"

    "I have a question. I have a question," said Carrie "Renata" Londner, a correspondent for the Weekly Backward.

    "I have a headache," muttered Ed the Numismatologist, a frequent guest at presidential press conferences and a former award winning headline writer who sat next to Ms. Londner for several years at the New Jersey News.

    "I have a question," Londner repeated. "Koosh balls might relieve stress, but what good will they do when you have multiple myelocarcinomatic cancer?"

    "I'm glad you asked," DeMoredemerriais said. "Now that everybody is driving a new, more fuel-efficient vehicle, the government can divert an important automotive resource to the insurance industry. In addition to the Koosh ball, Granny will be able to take two aspirin and call the Care Talk guys, Tom "Ken" Magliozzi and his brother Ray "Charles" Magliozzi, in the morning." 

  Chickie says: What did Oscar Mayer get when he traded in his Wiener Mobile under the Squash for Clunkers program?*

*Farmer Kevin's 2010 hybrid Tomato-Zucchini Mobile.