Uh-oh, it's . . .

The Boston Market Story

Jon 'Ken' & Nadia 'Renata' Plus Hmmm ... Does Anybody Have a Calculator?

    By "PHASER" RAY EDEL

    Special to the New Jersey News

    HACKENSACK,  N.J. -- Jon "Ken" Gosselin was spotted by a noted numismatologist and award winning headline writer holding hands with Octomom Nadia "Renata" Suleiman as they argued with the manager of the Boston Market in Hackensack, N.J., who refused to allow them to redeem 32 coupons good for a child's meal with the purchase of only one half a rotisserie chicken, insisting they needed to buy 32 adult meals, the New Jersey News reported on its People page today.

    "You're doing it all wrong," interjected the noted numismatologist and award winning headline writer, Edwin P. Reiter. "Here, give me the coupons. I'd like 32 half a rotisserie chicken dinners with the free kid's meal, hold fifteen and a half of the rotisserie chickens," Reiter said.

    "Huh?" the manager said.

    "Do the math," Reiter said as the manager, shaking his head in defeat, began scooping mashed potatoes onto 32 kiddie plates. 

    The reality TV star and the walking fertility clinic advertisement reportedly are in negotiations for a new show tentatively to be called "Jon 'Ken' & Kate Plus 8 Plus Nadia "Renata" Plus 14 Minus Kate Plus Nadia's Mom Minus 8" that will be produced by the creators of "Numbers" and will appear on the Extended Family Channel.

    Visited by a New Jersey News mojo at the mobile home they share with their six older siblings, Nadia's mother, five kittens and a goat, the octuplets appeared to be less than thrilled.

    "Waaaahhhh," said Ken Number 1, at 9 months, 22 days, 4 hours and 18 seconds the oldest of the group and its unofficial spokesbaby.

    "Waahhsssup?" said Ken Number 2.

    "Waaahhtts for lunch?" asked Renata Number 1.

    "Waaaaahh chicken again," said Ken Number 3.

    "Pass the Waaaahhhsabi," said Renata Number 2

    "Eat your chicken if you want dessert," said Nadia "Renata."

    "Waaaaaahhh," said Jon "Ken."

    "What are you crying about?" said Nadia "Renata."

    "There's no cranberry walnut relish," said Jon "Ken."

    "I'll give you cranberry walnut relish," said Nadia "Renata," smacking him upside the head. "Who's at the door?"

    "Waaaaahhh," said Ken Number 4. "It's Kate plus eight."

    "It's your day to take the kids," said Kate Gosselin, turning and leaving Jon "Ken" and Nadia "Renata" with Jon's sextuplets and two older children.

    "Waaaaahhh," said Herald Record Not Nearly the News Mojo Evonne Coutros-Coutros Ghali.

    "For crying out loud," said Nadia "Renata." "Why are you crying?"

    "I could have gone to Afghanistan," Coutros-Coutros Ghali said, "but I took this assignment instead."

    "Are you going to eat that wing?" photomojo Carmine "Ken" Galasso asked Renata Number 3.

    "Waaaaahhhh," said Renata Number 3.

    "I take that as a yes," Carmine "Ken" said, snapping a picture of Ken Number 5 dumping a container of mashed potatoes and gravy on Renata Number 3's head.

    "Food fight!" shouted Madelyn "Mady" Gosselin, 3.

    "Uh-oh," said Coutros-Coutros Ghali as a garlic new potato flew past her ear.

    Meanwhile, the New Jersey News has learned, Jon "Ken"s former girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, is pregnant with septuplets, and is already negotiating with the Math Channel to star in a new reality TV show to be tentatively titled "Jon 'Ken' and Kate Plus 8 Plus Nadia "Renata" Plus 14 Plus Nadia's Mom Plus 5 Cats and 1 Goat Minus 8 Plus Hailey Plus 7 Plus Paul Lapidus."

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Chickie says: Why did the mojo cross the road?*

*To find out how Paul Lapidus got into the act.