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The Boston Market Story

Airlines call volcano a plane in the ash

    By JEREMIAH DeMACARONI

    Special to the Overthecliffside Pilot

    EYJAFJALLOJOKULLENSACK, N.J. -- Hero pilot Chesley "Ken" Sullenberger landed a jumbo jet with 292 passengers and crew aboard in a sea of lava today after flying through a cloud of volcanic ash in Icelandic airspace this morning.

   "This is your captain speaking," Sullenberger announced shortly before the Lufthansa und Gretel Boeing 737 plummeted into the volcano's crater. "We will shortly be landing in the Eyjafjallojukullensack Volcano, but you have nothing to worry about. I would suggest you remove the ice from your sodas and sit on it. Flight attendants will be going down the aisles offering extra ice cubes for a credit card payment of $5 each."

    This wasn't the first time Sullenberger landed a plane on lava. Several decades ago, when he was fresh out of flying school, Sullenberger piloted an Aer Linguini jet through a cloud of volcanic ash over Mount Vesuvius on Christmas day. The plane would have made it through, but a mountain ranger was sitting down to Christmas dinner with his family when the volcano erupted, sending his roast goose thousands of feet into the air. The goose was then sucked into the engine of Sullenberger's plane, and he was forced to land in the volcano's lava lake. All of the passengers were rescued by helicopter, although the plane itself subsequently melted.

    On another occasion, Sullenberger almost landed his plane in the Mount St. Helens crater when an unruly passenger said he wanted his peanuts boiled, not roasted. When the flight attendant relayed the unruly passenger's request, Sullenberger announced, "I'll give him his peanuts roasted AND boiled." However, an air marshal, sensing  the danger, handcuffed the unruly passenger to a backed-up toilet in the rear of the cabin, and the flight proceeded as scheduled. 

    Meanwhile, fallout from the Iceland volcano continues to be felt worldwide. At the Vatican, Pope Benedictine IV, the former Cardinal Roethlisberger, restructured Easter Week, adding Ash Monday, Ash Tuesday, Ash Thursday and Ash Friday to Ash Wednesday. Ashed about Saturday, the Pope said he'd have to think about it while flying on Vatican One to Iceland to stock up on extra volcanic ash for Italy's 14 million Catholics. And the Principality of Wales is suing Iceland in the World Court at the Hague, Netherlands, claiming use of the name Ejyfafjallojokullensack infringes on its intellectual property rights, since any name longer than 36 characters, give or take, with no hyphens has to be a stop on the Welsh railway system. While at Newark Liberty Airport, Continental Airlines was offering free lava lamps to anyone booking a trip to Europe

    Back at the volcano, Sullenberger made a three-point landing in the sea of lava. Unfortunately, it was on a ten-point scale. "This is your captain speaking," Sullenberger announced as the jumbo jet touched down. "There's nothing to worry about, that smell of burning rubber is only our tires. Please remain in your seats, as it would not be a good idea to slide down the emergency chutes."

    Actually, there was something to worry about, as a band of Somali pirates was seen heading toward the plane in smoking metal skiffs. They fired an RPG at the cockpit, but it melted before reaching its target.

    "Owch! Owch! Ooch! Owch!" Sullenberger was heard by air traffic controllers to exclaim. "I've been on the hot seat before but this is ridiculous."

    Just then, a World War II era submarine emerged from the depths of the lava sea, blaring music by LL Cool J from its loudspeaker and sporting an advertisement for Ed's Numismatology and Air Conditioning Service on its conning tower. After subduing the Somali pirates, submarine Capt. Gabriel "Joba" Voorhis assisted the plane's passengers and then its crew into the sub and announced, "Next stop, Greenland." The submarine's chef then distributed platters of Baked Alaska to the relieved airline passengers.

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Chickie says: What's the most popular store in the Shops at Eyjafjallojokullensack Mall?*

*Laura Ashley