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The Boston Market Story

where every woman is a "Renata" and every man a "Ken"

Parisian Beauty Academy Wins Olympic Curling Competition

By VEEKTOR 'KEN' RASPUTIN

The Devilware's Pravda  

   KAZAKHSTANANDOLLIESACK, N.J. -- Hungry copy editors and numismatologists from all over the world flocked to New Jersey for the Sushi Olympics as overcrowded hotels reported a rash of thefts of Ed the Numismatologist portraits that were hung in every room in honor of the event.

  A massive traffic jam was reported on River Street as thousands of spectators crowded into the World War II era submarine USS Linguini for the Games' opening ceremonies, which featured a spectacular display of fireworks launched from a series of tourist dinghies in the Kazakhstanandolliesack River and the lighting of the flame in the Olympic cauldron by skier Lindsey "Renata" Vonn Shtupp, who tossed her flame, Tiger "Ken" Woods, into the cauldron.

   "Owch! Ooch! What kind of hot tub is this? Get me my pants!" exclaimed Woods as smoke billowed from the cauldron.

   The opening ceremonies were briefly delayed while a substitute was found for the Trans Siberian Orchestra, which was disqualified for using band substances. 

   Following the opening ceremonies, the gold medal in the curling competition was won by the French team from the Parisian Beauty Academy. The Parisians handily defeated Jamaica, which was tripped up by its floor-length dreadlocks.

   The Sushi Olympics were interrupted when a group of AK-47 wielding Somali pirates burst into the Kazakhstanandolliesack Boston Market and held several hungry copy editors and an award winning headline writer and numismatologist hostage until their demands were met. Kazakhetcetera Mayor Charles "Ken" Zisa stationed a SWAT team in the Boston Market parking lot with orders to shoot anything that moves and sent legendary FBI hostage negotiatior Gabriel "Joba" Voorhis in to talk with the pirates.

   Voorhis appeared to successfully defuse the situation when he got Boston Market manager Renata Frittata to meet the pirates' demands by agreeing to honor several coupons good for two dollars off on a rotisserie California roll platter even though the coupons expired in 2007. The pirates then demanded that Hollywood re-shoot the ending of "Captain Phillips" to show the pirates returning to Somalia with the cargo ship in tow. Frittata countered with an offer of a dozen extra cornbreads, which the pirates accepted. Meanwhile, the SWAT team shot several Norwegian cross country skiers. The pirates were last seen in several skiffs weaving their way through the tourist dinghies while being chased by the USS Linguini, which was still carrying several hundred spectators who had a little too much vodka after the opening ceremonies.

   Among the highlights of the first day at the Sushi Olympics was the performance of Russian figure skater Taras Bulba Lipinski, the former Tara Lipinski, whose routine racked up several thousand balalaikas on his/her Facebook page.

   Although the USA was trailing after two days in the figure skating and speed skating competitions, Team USA, led by Karen "Renata" Phillips, was racking up 9.95s across the board in the cheap skate competition after Phillips purchased $120 worth of groceries at the ShopRite on River Street for $1.95. She would have achieved a perfect 10 had she not overlooked the expiration date on a 75 cent coupon that the store was about to triple when the violation was discovered. Still, her performance was rewarded with a coupon for a dollar off on a pound of Gold Medal flour.

   Phillips was removed from the stand and taken to the Sushi Olympics anti-terror office to be questioned by several dozen Cossacks after she sent an envelope containing some of the flour to Vladimir "Ken" Putin to protest the removal of feral cats from the Kazakhstandandolliesack Pravda parking lot. She was released after agreeing to fill a vacant slot on the Guantanamo bobsledding team.

   Meanwhile, back at the Boston Market, hungry copy editor Mikhail "Ken" Kozmic surveyed the limited menu, which had only one item due to a shortage of supplies. He presented the counterperson with his coupon good for two rubles off any item, and ordered a bowl of pea soup.

   "I wouldn't eat that if I were you," the counterperson whispered. 

   There was  more disappointment for the Americans when a trio of skateboarding medals was voided because a clean sweep in the slop style competition was ruled to be an oxymoron.

   "Oxymoron? I'll tell you who's a moron, the judge is a moron," said "Eye on Izvestia" blogger and now former slop style bronze medalist Vidal "Ken" Sassoon, who at least was still favored in the much anticipated tailpipe event. "The judge is a moron and the publisher of the Boston Market Story is a moron. Everybody's a moron. And good luck finding a restaurant in Sushi that serves free range antibiotic free egg white omelets with anchovies and Aleppo pepper."

   Nevertheless, excitement was building as the Sushi Olympics entered their third day as the U.S. hockey team hoped to repeat the famous "Miracle on Ice" in their meeting with Russia, which was delayed when spectators stole most of the ice because the ice machines in their hotel were malfunctioning.    

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