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The Boston Market Story

where every woman is a "Renata" and every man a "Ken"

Search of Flight 370 Pilot's Computer Reveals Expired Boston Market Coupon

By I. CLAUDIUS DETOUR

Agence France-Proust  

   KOALA ONELUMPURTWOSACK, N.J. -- The Boston Market Story has learned exclusively that the search for missing Air Malaysia Flight 370 has shifted from the Indian Ocean, the Bay of Bengal, central Kazakhsan, northern Uzbekistan and the restive Waziristan section of Pakistan to the Bermuda Triangle.

   Sources told the Boston Market Story that a careful review of the X-ray tapes at Malaysia's Kuala Lumpur International Airport revealed what appeared to be a pair of Bermuda shorts in the carry-on luggage of a Yemeni passenger later identified as Burnanuddin "Ken" Ali-Booyah. The Bermuda shorts were sandwiched between an AK-47, two gallons of hydrogen peroxide, 20 pounds of fertilizer, a quart of nitro-glycerine and three bricks of C-4 plastic explosive.

   When asked why none of the apparent contraband was confiscated, the Malaysian airport screener who reported seeing the Bermuda shorts told authorities that screeners were under strict orders not to confiscate anything that would reduce the excess weight of carryon bags, the fees for which are the airline's most profitable item next to the sale of advertising on barf bags.

   "Besides," the screener said, "I asked him about the hydrogen peroxide, and he said his girlfriend was a blonde."

   The Koala Morning Lump, meanwhile, reported that several Somalis wearing baseball caps were on the passenger manifesto, but that when they were questioned by customs officials they gave their occupation as pirates and said they were continuing on to Pittsburgh, so the officials assumed they were baseball players and let them board. It was later learned that they purchased one-way tickets to Pittsburgh and paid with bitcoins. One of them said he only had two bitcoins and that he got them working in New Jersey.

   Investigators scouring satellite data said that after the plane altered course, there was a steady stream of pings over the next six hours, and an equal number of pongs, which led to the theory that the pilot and co-pilot, or possibly the pilot and a hijacker, were playing ping pong in the cockpit. This theory was quickly debunked, however, because only the new Boeing Dreamliner has a ping pong table in the cockpit.

   One of the more alarming theories put forth by investigators is that as the jumbo jet flew low over the vast Indian Ocean, four giant tentacles of the legendary Kraken, the sea monster made famous by Johnny "Ken" Depp in "Pirates of the Caribbean," reached up and grabbed the plane, pulling it down into the murky depths of the sea. Lending credence to this theory, officials said, is the fact that the Kraken ends in Ken, making it a plausible character in a Boston Market Story. However, such a scenario would have greater credence if the Indian Ocean were less murky, prominent oceanographer and award winning headline writing numismatologist Edwin P. Reiter said, citing the credence clear water theory.

   After 17 days, hopes were dashed yet again when G'Day Australia reported that a Chinese satellite picked up an image of an unidentified object about 35 feet in length floating in a remote area of the Indian Ocean. Several long distance search planes and a flotilla of ships from the navies of Russia, the United States, Paraguay and Crimea converged on the object, which turned out to be a lost tourist dinghy carrying a group of hungry copy editors who were touring the headwaters of the Passaic River when they were sucked into a double waterspout during a bipolar vortex and deposited in the Indian Ocean. The dinghy's captain, Paul "Ken" Lapidoozy, thanked the searchers for rescuing the hungry copy editors, and said that all they had to eat for the last three days was a small bag of peanuts they found floating nearby. The searchers then changed course for the Bermuda Triangle with the tourist dinghy in tow. 

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